


I believe you're the antidote

by acetheticallyy (judesstfrancis)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Apocalypse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I listened to the trailer and this happened idk, M/M, it's called catharsis!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judesstfrancis/pseuds/acetheticallyy
Summary: I’m sorry. That sounds…it sounds horrible.I wish it was, Martin. I really wish it was. But it feels…right.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 20
Kudos: 155





	I believe you're the antidote

**Author's Note:**

> I have this thing where I don't think anyone talks enough about how martin fundamentally probably _understands_ what's going on with jon rn monster-wise. like not to the scale that it's happening currently obv but?? he Gets It I know that in my heart. he gets it and he loves him regardless and so I have written it bc the trailer came out and I'm having Feelings now.
> 
> title is from a song called "make a beast of myself" by twin atlantic! recommended listening if u wanna be sad about jon and the apocalypse
> 
> (in case it isn't clear, the fic proper picks up directly from the summary. happy reading!)

“I know,” Martin says.

It takes Jon a minute to figure out how to respond. “You…what?”

Martin settles him with a look that he thinks could possibly be described as amused, if the current circumstances weren’t as they are. “You think you’re the first person to go through this? I remember how it felt. Took me a while to realize it shouldn’t have felt right.”

“Martin, this is—” _Different_ , Jon means to say, but Martin catches him before he can.

“It’s _not_ , though,” Martin interrupts. “I mean, yeah, it kind of is, because I spent my time not feeling much of anything and here you are feeling…well, _everything_ , more or less, so I suppose it _is_ on opposite ends of the spectrum, but…” He shakes his head, a movement that Jon has come to recognize as Martin’s way of getting himself back on track when he gets derailed during a conversation. It almost makes Jon laugh. The wind howls outside, sounding distinctly human. “The point is, I get it. And you don’t _want_ to like it. That’s what matters.”

Martin is right, probably. In Jon’s experience, he usually is.

Still, though.

It’s not that Jon doesn’t trust him, there’s no one he trusts _more_ , but considering his track record of people leaving when he admits to anything more than a placid acceptance of what’s happening to him, he’s not always hopeful.

 _You know I'm here for you_.

And he does. Martin’s always been there for him, even when he wasn’t.

But how far does that go? How long does it last? When does it stop?

Martin nudges his shoulder. “Hey,” he says. “You trusted me when the only thing you knew was that I was avoiding you to get closer to someone directly connected to Elias—to Jonah. Why is it so hard to believe that I trust you now?”

Jon’s answer is simple. “I knew if anything bad happened it wouldn’t have been your fault.”

“Well it really isn’t any different, then,” Martin says. “I know none of this is your fault, either.”

“Martin,” Jon sighs.

“No, Jon, look, you did _everything_ you could—”

“And it was all _wrong_ ,” he insists. “It all led to _this_.”

Frustration colors Martin’s voice when he responds, but the hands he settles over Jon’s shoulders are nothing but gentle. “ _You didn’t know that_. You were trying to _help_. We all thought getting rid of that table was the best idea. No one expected you to leave Daisy stranded when you thought there was a way to get her back. You can’t blame yourself for the fact that someone knew you would make whatever choice that you thought would help the most people in the moment and twisted the outcome.”

He _can_ though, is the thing. Jon’s been blaming himself for things other people have done to him for his entire life. He’s too annoying, he’s got this grating presence about him that just makes people _have_ to traumatize him. He should’ve _seen_ it. Should’ve taken a couple minutes to think about it, to realize that he was being manipulated, because bad things have been happening to him for no good reason since practically the day he was born, why should any of this have been any different? What made him think his actions _wouldn’t_ have had unintended consequences?

Maybe if he’d taken a minute to _think_ , for once, he would still be able to remember Sasha. Maybe Tim wouldn’t have died hating him.

As always, Martin seems to know exactly where his head is at. “Do you blame me?” he asks, gentle. “For falling for it, for going into the Lonely on my own?”

Jon doesn’t allow for even a moment of hesitation before he answers. “Of course not.”

“Then I don’t blame you for falling for it, either. I thought I was helping everyone, doing what I did. You thought you were, too. We were wrong. That doesn’t make us bad people.”

It’s…something to think about. Jon still doesn’t forgive himself, isn’t sure he ever will, but it isn’t nothing. At the very least, the firm reassurance that Martin _does_ is sobering enough that the ever-present knot in his chest loosens just the slightest bit. He still has Martin. And that _certainly_ isn’t nothing.

Martin tugs him forward and it’s easier than anything for Jon to allow himself to fall into the warm embrace he so readily offers. They can’t trust comfort, not anymore, and Jon _certainly_ doesn’t trust himself, but he trusts Martin. He’ll _always_ trust Martin, unfailingly, until one or both of them disappear.

And if _Martin_ trusts _him_ , then…well. That’s a little trickier to wrap his head around. The dissonance it causes is almost louder than the sounds of fear and anguish still raging on outside.

It is enough, though, Jon thinks, just to trust Martin, whatever that entails.

For now, it _has_ to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I know having an end note AND a beginning note in a work under 1k is a criminal offense but I have to promote myself and the beginning note was too cluttered
> 
> anyway if u wanna come hang out with me on tumblr or twitter u can find me @judesstfrancis and @acetheticallyy respectively


End file.
